“I’m on a roll today.” “Dude, that’s my sandwich.” “OH, sorry.” “Get the fuck off my sandwich.” Sometimes, we have to enjoy the little things in life. Such as a sandwich with boot residue sprinkled all over.

Sometimes I wish I had a muffin here with my MacGuffin. Fool that you are, what if the muffin is the MacGuffin? And my life was changed forever, for that sacred pastry was in fact, the donut of all hopes and desires.

The devil went down to Georgia. But it turned out to be the wrong Georgia. “GOD damnit!” the devil exclaimed, slapping his forehead with a mangled, red claw. “Why does this always happen every Sunday?” And so the devil went up to Tajikistan. But it turned out to just be Arkansas.

“This wasn’t exactly what I had in mind…” Said the patient to the brain surgeon. “Don’t worry,” the surgeon smiled reassuringly behind her facemask. “Whatever you do just don’t blink.” “Whatever could that me- ” But alas, there was no answer that could save an internal hemorrhage.

“Yeesh, why don’t you just light it up already?” I paused for a split second. But I did it anyway. It was beautiful. It was magnificent. And we were open for business.

“You’re too late.” “What do you mean? I’m five minutes early.” “No, I mean I already threw her down the well.” “What? Isn’t this Shake Shack?” “Aren’t you the prince that was coming to save the princess?” “…no, why would I be doing that. What the heck is going on?” “I would ask the same […]

The water was, as a matter of fact, quite dry. I don’t know what persuaded me to such madness, but I assure you, it will most definitely happen again and again and again until the recursive entropy of human existence finally takes us to the darkness below the ravine. I first learned to swim when […]